Ten years!  It’s not the longest marriage ever, but it’s a darn decent effort.  The past decade has been mostly wonderful.  Not perfect, but mostly wonderful.  And it’s taught me a lot.  Here (in no particular order) are just a few of the lessons I’ve learned over the course of ten years of marriage.

Don’t fight about things.  They’re just things.

A friend gave me this sage advice when I was angry with Steve for shrinking my favorite skirt in the wash.  (It had fallen off the hanger and into his hamper.)  Mostly, I was annoyed because he had then chastised me for putting it in his basket in the first place, which of course I didn’t do.  But part of my anger was definitely based on the loss of a skirt I really liked.  Of course, it was a silly thing to get mad about, and I realized that when the friend I was venting to remarked, “I try not to get mad about things.  After all, they’re just things.”  Since then, I’ve tried not to get angry about stuff.

Do let the sun go down on your anger.

“Don’t let the sun go down on your anger,” might possibly be the worst piece of advice Marmee March has ever given.  Remember that scene in Little Women where she urges Jo to forgive Amy for burning her manuscript, before they go to bed?  Yeah.  TERRIBLE, AWFUL advice.  I’ve spent too many nights up arguing into the wee hours because I was determined that we’d have an issue completely hashed out and solved before anyone was allowed to sleep, because Marmee said.  I’m ashamed to say it took me way too long to realize how stupid that is.  Now I go to bed mad, and I usually wake up a lot less mad, and ready to say “Sorry I was grouchy last night.”  And guess what?  It’s a lot easier to solve an issue in the light of day, after everyone’s had a good night’s sleep.  (Note: This requires an actual good night’s sleep to work.  If I only get three hours because I’m up the rest of the night with the baby, all bets are off.)

Love is something you do.

So here’s some good advice from a movie (embarrassingly, I have to admit, this advice comes straight from American Wedding).  As Michelle says when giving her wedding vows, “Love isn’t just a feeling.  Love is something you do.”  Every day, I make the choice to love Steve and to show it in what I do.  Sometimes, I do a good job.  Sometimes, I don’t.  But I always try to keep in mind that love is an action.

Be choosy about who you vent to.

Let’s be real.  We all get annoyed with our spouses.  It happens.  If we’re lucky (and I am) we get annoyed with them relatively rarely.  But it’s impossible to share space with someone for ten years and not be frustrated occasionally.  Still, you have to be very careful about who you let into that part of your life.  I try to make sure that if I do need to air frustration (about anything at all), I direct my venting to someone who will listen without judgment and not take advantage.

Time apart is good, but you need to share some hobbies too.

Steve and I both have our individual hobbies, and it’s good for us to unwind in our own ways.  But we also need to have couple and family hobbies.  This was easier before kids, when we could bond easily over a wine tour or long, leisurely dinner out.  These days that looks like family hikes almost every weekend when the weather’s nice.  We’re lucky to have a way to bond as a family by doing something we both enjoy.

It’s you against the world.

Okay, not exactly.  But there will come a time when you will butt heads with someone who disagrees with a decision you’ve made as a couple – whether it’s about jobs, living situations, parenting, lifestyle choices – you name it.  And you will need to decide whether to stand with your partner or not.  If you’ve made your decisions with full information, and each with an equal say, you should be comfortable with them.  But no matter what, when you have to pick sides, you pick your spouse’s.  It’s been important to me that we always present a united front.  We might debate and argue about something until we’re blue in the face – we’re both lawyers, after all – but that happens behind closed doors and once the decision is made, it’s made and we both own it.

What works for other couples may not work for you.

Early in our marriage, we were very caught up in the “rule” that “one person cooks and the other does dishes.”  That was what all of our friends seemed to do.  And you know what?  It was a terrible system for us.  You see, I’m the cook.  I like cooking, and I’m decent at it.  (This used to be a food blog, after all.)  So Steve assumed the role of doing dishes… which he hates to do.  He worked as a dishwasher many moons ago and has loathed the chore ever since.  I, meanwhile, weirdly enjoy doing the dishes.  (It’s laundry I hate.)  I picture the sponge as a giant eraser and get a derpy thrill out of “erasing” the mess.  So our after-dinner hour would devolve, every night, into Steve angrily banging around in the sink while I stood behind him, pleading with him to just let me wash the dishes already why don’t you.  And he’d fire back with no it’s MY job.  Finally, one night, I told him, “Dishes are no longer your job.  In fact, I FORBID you to wash dishes.”  That didn’t entirely last; he does do the dishes occasionally nowadays.  But usually I do both the cooking and the dishes, both of which I like, and he takes on the lion’s share of other house jobs that I don’t like.  He washes the floors, does lots of laundry, etc.  He does a lot around the house.  He just doesn’t do the dishes as much – because the fact that “John and Jane do it that way” is not a good reason to stick with a system that doesn’t work for us.

There’s no such thing as a stupid idea. 

We talk a lot about where we see our family going.  Sometimes we toss out big, wild ideas.  Would we ever consider moving out west?  More often, we brainstorm small ways to grow as a family.  I think we should make more of an effort to cook a nice dinner on Sundays.  We’re in a constant state of brainstorming ways to make our lives better.  Saturday pancake breakfasts?  Are we happy with our church?  Should we try to add another name or two to our roster of babysitters?  What do you think about starting a tradition of family game nights?  Not every idea is adopted, but they’re all given credence.  You have to talk about this stuff.  Big stuff, and little stuff.  I know I can toss out an idea, no matter how far-fetched it may seem, and Steve will consider it.  And he knows I’ll do the same.  And you know what?  I cherish those evenings on the couch, spent kicking ideas around, almost as much as I cherish the actions and traditions that have come out of the brainstorming sessions.

Treat your spouse like you’d treat a stranger or acquaintance.

Wait – what?  Stick with me here.  Would you snap at a stranger on the street?  Probably not.  Would you direct harsh words at a co-worker, knowing they play on her insecurities?  Of course you wouldn’t.  Why is it so much easier to be unkind to the people we live with?  Well, probably because we’re secure in those relationships.  But safety shouldn’t be a reason to disrespect someone or to treat them with anything less than kindness and compassion.  Your spouse and kids should get your best self, not your meanest.  Just because they’ll be there no matter what doesn’t mean you can walk all over them.  I strive to treat Steve – and the kids – even better than I would treat someone I don’t know well.  I try to be polite, and kind, and respectful.  I don’t always succeed – I have my moments.  But I’m well aware that they’re stuck with me (especially the kids) and I try not to take advantage.

Appoint a Memory Keeper.

“You’ll thank me later!” I insisted as Steve rolled his eyes while posing against a Caribbean backdrop while I snapped yet another honeymoon photo.  And I was right.  There are lots of roles in a marriage, but this is an important one and one that I think can get overlooked.  In the day-to-day frenzy of getting out late again and who’s picking the kids up today and shoot I forgot my lunch and my wallet can I borrow ten dollars it’s easy to let the years slip by unless someone is making an effort to preserve memories.  I’ve appointed myself Family Archivist and Memory Keeper.  That means that I’ve given myself the job of snapping photos, emailing family members with pictures of the kids, and finding ways to preserve our memories – both the big ones (like trips to England!) and the small ones (weekend jaunts through the farmers’ market!).  (That means everything from blog posts journaling our travels to spending hours and hours creating the perfect photo books on Shutterfly.  Sometimes it even means pushing the family out the door so we can make the darned memories to begin with.)  It’s tons of work, but I enjoy it and we cherish having those memories in tangible form.  It seems like a silly thing to emphasize when the day to day hustle often has us so drained, but someone needs to make sure that we don’t forget the stuff that matters.

There we go!  Ten lessons for ten years.  And one more for luck…

Cherish today.

Yesterday is over.  Tomorrow hasn’t happened yet.  Today is all we have.  I’ve made the mistake, many times over, of obsessing about the future (WHEN will that pregnancy happen, already?!) and ruminating on the past (Peanut is so much bigger today than she was yesterday STOP GROWING SO FAST KID).  But today is all that there really is.  It’s good to plan for the future.  It’s good to cherish our memories (I am the Family Archivist, after all).  But we can’t do that at the expense of today.  If I’m too busy worrying about tomorrow or missing yesterday, I might not notice the way the sunlight glints off of Peanut’s ginger curls as she runs giggling through the backyard, or I may not appreciate the pure musical joy of Nugget’s laugh or the love with which Steve squeezes my hand at the end of the day.  I’ve tried to really live every moment of the last ten years.  Sometimes I’ve been successful; sometimes I haven’t.  But that’s always my goal.

What lessons have you learned in your relationships?  Hit me with your wisdom, yo.