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Last week I finished The Introvert’s Way: Living a Quiet Life in a Noisy World, by Sophia Dembling.  It was a slim little book and didn’t really include much information that I hadn’t already come across elsewhere.  But it was a fun read and wonderfully affirming, since it was mostly focused on encouragement of the “Your personality is FINE!” variety.  In my reading round-up from last month, I mentioned that I had nodded so much while reading this book that I felt like one of Dwight Schrute’s bobbleheads.  There were so many places of recognition.  For example…

The Introvert’s Pet Peeve

Don’t you absolutely hate it when strangers shout “Smile!” at you?  Scarcely anything bugs me more.  First of all, stranger, I don’t know you, so why should I grin at you like an idiot?  If I’m going to give myself smile lines, it’s going to be for people I actually know.  Second, this is my face’s natural position.  I look serious.  Do I screech at you things like “Why so giddy?”  No.  Simmer down.

The “Dog and Pony Show”

Dembling frequently visits the topic of her “dog and pony show” – what she calls her efforts to be social in a crowd.  I recognized this too, except I call mine “my game face.”  The dog and pony show, or the game face, is an essential introvert skill – that is, unless you want people to think you’re a hermit.  But when you’re good at it, people come to expect it all the time, not realizing how completely draining it is.  After I’ve had my game face on for awhile, I need to retreat somewhere silent, not talk, not listen to anything, to read or even simply be.

And another thing about the dog and pony show – when you’re really good at it, people inevitably express surprise to hear that you’re an introvert.  It’s flattering, because it means you come across as engaging and social, but hearing “No way!” over and over does get a bit wearying.  Dembling spreads the word that introverts are perfectly capable of being social when called upon to do so, but it’s a tiring endeavor for us.

Introvert-Extrovert Relationships

Dembling spends a good deal of time discussing relationships between introverts and extroverts.  Usually, she is referring to marriages or romantic relationships, which would be an interesting dynamic, but not one with which I’m familiar.  Hubby and I are both introverts, so we both understand the other’s need to unwind with quiet time.  I’m not offended when hubby says that he’s going to stay downstairs for a bit after a long day because he needs to unwind – I understand exactly how he feels.  So I simply read upstairs until I’m tired, then turn the lights out, and he’ll go to sleep when he’s ready.  It works.

But I am familiar with the dynamic between parents and children of opposite personalities.  My mom is introverted, but my dad is very extroverted.  When I was living at home as a teenager, I often worried that I was a disappointing kid because I’d rather stay in with a book on Friday night than go out riding all over town with other kids.  My dad would make suggestion after suggestion: “Why don’t you call so-and-so?” “Why don’t you see if Jane Doe wants to hang out?”  I know now – and really, I knew then – that he was just trying to be helpful, and that a big gathering of friends would be exactly the way he’d like to unwind after a long week, so he figured I’d feel the same way.  I didn’t, though.  I was tired from school and from having my “game face” on for five days straight, and I wanted to retreat to a quiet place and recharge.  He was probably worried that I wasn’t having fun, while I couldn’t figure out how to let him know that I was having fun, in my own way.

Over the years, I learned to pre-empt any suggestions by making my own plans on Friday and Saturday nights.  I’d make arrangements to hang out with one or two friends, at quiet places where we could actually have a conversation.  And once I got married, I could just go on a “date” with my husband – problem solved.  I also learned, however, that it’s important for parents to recognize that, well-meaning as they might be, it doesn’t help to try to compel a kid to fit into a particular mold.  I’m never going to be the Friday night party girl.  I’m okay with that.  But you know who might be?  Peanut.  She’s too young to have introvert or extrovert tendencies (although she might be an extrovert, given her efforts to befriend people at other tables whenever we go out to restaurants) but someday she will.  And if she turns out to be an extrovert, I may not understand some of the things she thinks are fun, but I’ll try to respect her wishes as to how and with whom she spends her time.  (With the caveat that she’s not going to be allowed to do anything dangerous or illegal, of course.  As long as she’s safe, I will let her tell me what will make her happy.)

Tips for Introverts

Dembling’s got plenty of experience navigating social situations as an introvert, and she’s happy to share what she’s learned.  A few good ones:

• Be selective in how you spend your energy.  You don’t have to say “yes” to every invitation.  Attend the parties and events that are really important to you, and politely decline the others.
• Ignore people who call you a “party pooper” or tell you that the party won’t be fun anymore if you leave early.  If you want to go, go.  However, if your presence is important or the host really needs your support, grit your teeth if necessary and pull out the “dog and pony show.”  Your true friends deserve your support.
• Feel free to arrange social encounters on your own terms.  (This is a tip I’ve been applying for years.  For example, I hate loud bar settings.  I don’t find myself in them often these days, but I get extremely tense in a noisy environment where I have to shout to be heard.  So for years, if I wanted to catch up with friends, I’ve planned to meet them for tea, or at a park for a walk – somewhere quiet, where we can really talk.  And then I’m happily asleep at 11:00 when others are shouting themselves hoarse in a bar.)
• Guard the quiet time in your schedule.  Dembling describes a revelation she had when planning her schedule for a conference: she decided not to attend any events after 7:00 p.m.  At that time, when others were out fighting crowds at parties, she was relaxing in her hotel room.  And the next day she was refreshed, recharged, and ready to network her way through the day.  As someone who attends my fair share of conferences, I thought this was brilliant.

Are you an introvert?  Do you have a game face that fools people, too?  What are your pet peeves and favorite tips?