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Where We Are

First things first: a gratuitous Peanut picture.

So… wow, where did September go?  Here it is, October 1st, and here I am, as promised.  And here’s where we are:

  • Still in the NICU.  Hubby and I get in around 8:00 each morning and typically stay there for eight or nine hours.  They’re full days – talking to the doctors and nurses, doing basic care tasks (taking Peanut’s temperature and changing her diapers, and giving her baths every few days), holding Peanut for Kangaroo Care and working with her on eating keeps us busy the entire time.  We’re not sure when we’ll be leaving, but we hope it won’t be too much longer.  We’re both starting to get NICU burn-out.
  • Still working on Peanut’s room.  We’re basically ready in case she comes home earlier than anticipated – we’ve got a crib and baby monitor, and we’re stocked with diapers and wipes and first-aid supplies and all those other baby incidentals.  It’s just little decorative items that we need to finish, and we’re doing a bit each evening when we come home.  Blog posts to come detailing the progress and (soon!) the finishing touches.
  • Still reading.  It’s been hard to squeeze book time in – my days of reading for hours straight are in the past, at least for now.  (Maybe there’s a Mommy-Daddy vacation in the cards a few years from now?)  But reading is an immensely comforting act for me, so I’m still doing it – and focusing on “comfort books” like Miss Read’s Fairacre series, and laugh-out-loud funny reads like Mark Helprin’s Freddy and Fredericka (about a hapless Prince and Princess of Wales who are sent to reconquer the former Colonies in order to prove their fitness for the throne).  My “Reading Round-Ups” are going to be a bit shorter than usual for awhile, but I will never stop reading.
  • Still adjusting.  I’m completely in love with Peanut, but it’s hard to feel 100% like a mom when you have to ask someone else’s permission to hold your own baby.  NICU alums have told me not to sweat that I’m not changing every diaper or waking up for 3:00 a.m. feedings yet, and that there are plenty of those moments in store for me in the future.  And I’ve eased up a lot on myself as a result of that excellent advice.  But it’s still hard to view myself as a mom when I have to walk away and leave her in the hospital, or when she’s crying and I can’t pick her up and soothe her immediately because she’s in an isolette.  I’m not saying this because I want people to feel sorry for me – I don’t.  We all have our different journeys, in parenthood and in life, and these are the cards that I’ve drawn.  And there are moments when Peanut is crying and someone hands her to me and she stops crying, when it’s as if a light goes on and I think “Oh, yes, I am her mom!”  But life as a NICU mom is very different from what I thought my new mommyhood would be, and I’m still learning to think of myself as Peanut’s mom and not simply as the lady who shows up to play with her and get in everyone’s way every day.  I’ll get there.

So it hasn’t been the easiest September, but I’d still rather have Peanut in my life than anything else.  I’m not sure how we all got along for so many years without this lovely little spirit.  And now I’m back here, too.  I’ve missed you guys and I’m ready to go back to posting three times per week (sticking to a M, W, F schedule).  Thank you for giving me the space I needed to get through September, and thank you for coming back here.  You are all a blessing!

24 thoughts on “Where We Are”

  1. Thank you for the update! Peanut is absolutely adorable. It sounds like you are weathering the emotions/frustrations of the NICU rollercoaster quite well. Soon (hopefully very soon), it will all be a memory!

    Reply

    • Thanks! It’s a challenge (as you know better than anyone) and we’ve had a setback or two that has delayed things. I’m trying to see the positives (more on that in my next post, on Wednesday) and I’m reeeeeeeeally looking forward to the day when this is just a memory. It helps that our NICU has amazing doctors and wonderful, caring nurses… and that we moved into the intermediate care room over the weekend. No more blaring siren-like alarms! Thanks goodness for small mercies. Yesterday we realized the room was so silent that we could hear the babies’ milk dispensers working – sounded like rain. We never heard them in the intensive care room, because there was always an alarm going off! Today I closed my eyes, listened to the milk dispensers and imagined I was sitting on a covered porch on top of a mountain in the Adirondacks, reading a book and sipping a cuppa. I had a nice little moment with myself. Heh.

      Reply

      • You might be the first person to imagine the Adirondacks while in the intermediate room! That’s a good thing. I remember the wail of those sirens when we first started our NICU journey (shudder!), and I remember feeling so relieved when I only heard that mournful arpeggio in my dreams and not in real life. I’m sorry to hear Peanut has faced a few setbacks, but it sounds like you can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

      • We are definitely starting to see that light. I hope it’s not too far off in the future! The NICU staff is trying to manage our expectations, which I find irritating. They are great at their jobs, but I think the one piece that sometimes is missing is an appreciation for the fact that these are families, each with their own dynamic, and some of the parents (us included) have already had to “let go” of a LOT of “expectations” – and having some hopes to cling to is the only thing keeping many of us going through this slog. So to hear “Well, anything’s possible, but don’t get your hopes up” can be pretty demoralizing.

    • Thank you, m’dear! It’s nice to be back. By the way, I’ve been the worst penpal ever, but there’s a letter in the box, soon to be on its way to you (finally).

      Reply

  3. Jaclyn, I’m so happy to hear that you and the little one are doing well! My mom showed me the video of her discovering her thumb. It was precious!
    I was thinking of making a name watercolor or gouaches painting for her in the style of the etsy seller ‘trafalgar square’ with her name and little animal characters (E= elephant, m= mouse etc.) as a baby shower gift. Do you think that you’d like that for the baby’s room? I haven’t had time really to do anything towards it yet, so let me know if you’d like it and I can get cracking 😛 I could also show you progress and you can customize any images as you’d like. I wish you all the best 🙂
    ~J

    Reply

    • Thanks, Jocelyn! Your idea sounds so cute, and I’m sure E will love it! It’s SO sweet of you to make Peanut a painting, and I love the idea of having something from you in the nursery!

      Reply

    • Thanks, friend! We moved to intermediate care a couple of days ago, so I’m hopeful that means that the magical “discharge day” is on the horizon…

      Reply

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  8. I am visiting your space after a long time, and just found out that you’ve been posting. 🙂 Good to see you back to blogging.

    Thank you for the update. Glad to know that Peanut is doing well. 🙂 It is admirable that you squeeze in time for reading even in the midst of your hectic schedule. I totally understand what you mean when you say that you are still not feeling a 100% mommy.

    Reply

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