Wednesday was a really frustrating day.  Between being in a funk for months and having to deal with a particularly snippy individual, I can’t say I’ve been feeling open or friendly toward just about anyone (except hubby, of course).  I keep on waiting to wake up one morning and my lousy mood will have evaporated, but it hasn’t happened yet.  On Wednesday I was just sick of being irritated and frustrated, sick of one specific person who is driving me crazy, and sick of an irritating situation that is out of my control.  So I did something I haven’t done in months.

I stepped on my yoga mat.

Just a short practice.  I started in Mountain, did some forward folds, some down dogs, some cat-cow… basically, I just went with it and did whatever pose was calling to me.  Midway through my practice, I felt like getting into my favorite pose: Tree.  Now Tree is a pose at which I usually excel.  I’ve been known to do Tree Pose in high heels.  I know, I know I shouldn’t… and obviously yoga isn’t a competition… but sometimes I just can’t resist showing off my outstanding balance, even if it’s just to myself.  But I also love Tree Pose for the presence of mind it gives me.  You see, you can’t really do Tree Pose unless you are 100% present and focused.  I often struggle with being present and focused; my mind is always spinning with to-do lists and possibilities and things I should do and say or should have done or said… basically, I’m a constant whirlwind of mental activity.  But there are times when I don’t struggle with presence: when I read, when I get really absorbed in work, and when I’m in Tree.

So I lifted up one foot and raised my arms to the ceiling – my favorite yoga teacher, Jodi, called that “growing the Tree” – and I wobbled.  I stepped out of the pose multiple times on each leg.  My standing leg shook.  No matter how intently I zeroed in on a focal point, I kept on wobbling.  I repeated to myself, “I am balanced.”  And I kept right on wobbling.  And then came the negative thoughts.  “I can’t believe I can’t do this.  I can’t get my heels to the ground in Downward Facing Dog and I can’t do arm balances or body binds, but Tree is MINE… where did my balance go?  This is because I’ve neglected my practice.  This is because I haven’t been running.  This is because I haven’t been eating clean.  This is because of stress.”

Then I stepped out of the pose, folded forward, hung in Uttanasana for a moment and stepped back into Downward Facing Dog, and I let it go.  It’s okay that I wobbled in Tree Pose today.  It’s not a competition or a performance, and every time I get on my mat, yoga has something to teach me if I am receptive to it.  The fact is, I haven’t been balanced.  I’ve been mentally scattered, stressed out, angry and resentful for months.  I’ve allowed a couple of people to change the way I see myself.  Along the way, I’ve lost my sense of harmony and balance.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.  I can get a sense of balance back.  I can remember to breathe deeply (not sigh) and smile (not scowl).  I can set boundaries and refuse to let myself be pushed around.  And as for the situation that is out of my control, well, it’s out of my control.  Walking around angry isn’t going to change that.  But maybe finding my balance again will.  At the end of my practice I thanked myself for stepping on the yoga mat again.  And I told myself that it’s okay if I’m wobbly right now.  That just seems to be where I am, and it’s not better or worse than where I was in the past or will be in the future.  It’s just me being wobbly right now.  Sometime soon I’ll be able to “grow my Tree” without falling out of the pose, and I’ll find that sense of peace and serenity again.