Mother Goose is a large, aggressive bird who sips tea and haunts children’s dreams.  This is something you might not know about geese, but it’s true.  They are angry, violent birds with a talent for making up terrifying rhymes.  That’s why, when my mom asked me what I would like to talk about for National Poetry Month, I picked Mother Goose.  Because what is the point of poetry if it’s not to make children cry and cling to their mothers?  (Their real mothers, not their bird mothers.  As a matter of fact, let’s get this one thing straight right now, before we go any further: Mother Goose, YOU ARE NOT MY MOTHER.)

Anyway, Mother Goose is a super scary book of horrifying poems.  My mom didn’t want to get me this book because she said it was too scary and she would rather I read A.A. Milne, but my Nana wanted me to taste delicious fear so she bought it for me while my mom was at work one day.  Thanks, Nana!

It’s fun to look at the cover of this book and say “Honk, honk,” because that is what geese say.  But the fun stops there.  As soon as you open the cover you will be assaulted by terrifying images like enslaved mice and children in the process of breaking their heads.

Example:

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after.

Then up Jack got and home did trot
As fast as he could caper.
He went to bed and plastered his head
With vinegar and brown paper.

In case you are dense about poetry, let me explain.  This is not a poem about a boy king, as you might have thought, although that would be better.  This is actually about a botched medical procedure.  Jack is a young peasant and that means that his “crown” is actually his head, because wishful thinking.  He breaks it, then tries to perform head reconstructive surgery on himself.  Unless you like gross medical stories, this poem will haunt your dreams.

Here’s another example:

Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater
Had a wife and couldn’t keep her.
He put her in a pumpkin shell,
And there he kept her very well.

This is a good example of how poetry can make you think.  My parents disagree about what this poem is about.  My dad says it’s about infidelity.  My mom says it’s about false imprisonment.  Either way, I don’t want to touch that pumpkin with a ten foot pole.  Just look at the dead eyes of Mrs. Peter in any of the pictures, and you’ll see what I mean.

One more:

Pease porridge hot!
Pease porridge cold!
Pease porridge in the pot,
Nine days old.

Some like it hot,
Some like it cold,
Some like it in the pot,
Nine days old!

This is a tricky one, so let me explain.  Pease Porridge is a poem about a child whose mother is so lazy that she doesn’t go to the grocery store for almost two weeks, which to a child is the equivalent of years.  The child has to eat nine day old porridge (yum?) and it doesn’t say this part but I’m pretty sure it’s implied that everyone gets food poisoning.

Isn’t poetry fun?

Lesson for parents: Save your pennies, because my therapy is going to be expensive.

Yay, National Poetry Month!  You can go ahead and buy Mother Goose rhymes for your children here, or support your local indie bookstore.  These are not affiliate links, but my mom should probably look into that so she can start saving up because I’m scarred for life.